Title: While You're Sleeping
Paring: Muguruma Kensei/Hisagi Shuuhei
Labels: M/M, Angst, WAFF
Word Count: 1343
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach nor do I make any money off of this.
Summery: Kensei's thoughts as he watches his lover sleep. Inspired by the song "I'll Watch You While You're Sleeping" by Judith Owen.
Kensei loved to watch Shuuhei sleeping. He looked so peaceful and gentle. Kensei liked to watch over him and brush his hands through his hair. He liked the way Shuuhei's eyelashes landed so softly on his cheeks. He looked perfect in his sleep and all Kensei wanted to do was wrap him up in his arms and hold him all his life and just watch him for hours. He wanted to watch over him forever. Shuuhei was as precious to him as any person had ever been, more so actually. He wanted to keep out all the pain and stress the young Shinigami felt but knew he couldn't. He knew Shuuhei was no longer a child and it was not his job to take care of him like he were one.
But when he was sleeping so calmly like he was now, Kensei could pretend. Could pretend that he made all those problems Shuuhei faced go away and that just his very presence made everything better.
Kensei wasn't what one could call a gentle or a soft man, and lord forbid, should they ever try to call him mushy. But when Shuuhei was with him he sometimes felt that way. It was all he could do to keep himself from jumping around like a loon every time Shuuhei came to see him. He just felt himself get so happy and his once frozen heart swelled inside his chest. He knew very well how he felt about this man. Kensei knew that he loved him but he'd be damned if he could ever say it out loud. Lately Shuuhei told him often how he felt but Kensei found himself paralysed and mute, never saying it back. Every time Shuuhei said those three precious words to him, he felt fear deep in his heart, so deep it was akin to the fear he had first felt when he was turned into a Vizard. What if this was the last time Shuuhei would say it without getting anything back? What if this was the last chance he had to tell him how he felt? What if he left him, finally fed up with all of his crap?
He looked down again at the sleeping man in his arms and pressed his cheek into Shuuhei's forehead and kissed him softly. Shuuhei told him once that he was a very gentle lover. Kensei had laughed at him as no one in his long existence had ever regarded him as being gentle. But Shuuhei did. Shuuhei saw so much in him that it made his heart ache, things that made him just want to snatch his lover up and kiss him until they both ran out of breath. But these were things he never told Shuuhei because somehow he could never get the words past his lips. Kensei took a deep breath and very nearly laughed at himself when he felt the threat of tears. He was truly afraid. Terrified of losing this amazing young man and just that in itself was insane.
He'd never been this scared, not when going into battle or when he'd found out about his hollow, never. He was turning into someone he'd never thought he'd be. But here he was holding a sleeping Shinigami at 5 o'clock in the morning and still desperately trying to fend off sleep so he could continue gazing at him just a little longer. Kensei kissed his temple and brushed black hair out of his face and kissed him again. The young man stirred but didn't wake, much to Kensei's thanks. He always came to him completely exhausted and Kensei knew just how much he needed his rest. It was hard what he did and was made even harder by his circumstances.
Kensei thought back to his time as captain of 9th division. It had been brutal, though he couldn't say he hadn't loved it. Still, he'd had training, preparation and a captain who had come before and showed him the way. He also had dutiful officers and a fukutaichou and the luxury of being ranked captain and therefore the ability to work within his own limits. Shuuhei had none of these luxuries and Kensei feared the stress was beginning to weigh too heavily on him. He was still so young and to think he was already running an entire division, essentially by himself. Kensei shook his head and gave the Shinigami another soft kiss. Shuuhei was really something else, Kensei knew that even he wouldn't have been able to accomplish so much, but Shuuhei never gave himself any credit. He was far too modest and that was just one of the many things Kensei both loved and hated about the idiot.
At first he'd thought, it was just about the sex. Sex with Shuuhei was great, amazing in fact. He'd be lying if he didn't say it was probably the best sex he'd ever had. And of course he liked Shuuhei. He liked him from the very beginning. Well, maybe not the very beginning. He didn't think much of him when Shuuhei had been a little kid. Damn brat kept crying and Kensei never much liked kids anyway. No, the second very beginning. He knew there was something to him. He knew that Shuuhei was someone special. Just not this special.
Far too often Kensei felt himself becoming all gushy. All he wanted to do was hold his lover, cuddle him, kiss him and all that girly crap and sometimes that really pissed him off. Sometimes, when he'd find himself feeling that way he'd take it out on Shuuhei only to realize he hadn't done anything to provoke it. But the kid never complained. He just smiled and dealt with his brazen craziness. It was like Shuuhei knew that he didn't mean any of it. It was like the damn kid knew how he felt and why he was acting like a complete asshole. It was almost like his smile said "I know how you're feeling right now and I know you need to be an idiot for a while and I'm fine with that because I love you and I know you love me too, even if you can't say so".
Kensei smiled and rested his head to Shuuhei's again. He would have never guessed just how good Shuuhei really was for him. He couldn't believe it. Looking over at the clock he noted the time, 5:36 am. Kensei sighed and petted his hand down Shuuhei's cheek. It would be time for him to get up soon which meant it would be time for Shuuhei to leave shortly after that. As happy as it made him when Shuuhei came to visit, it made him just as depressed when his lover had to leave again. Groaning Kensei almost untangled himself from the Shinigami but didn't see the point in it any more. He was turning into the kind of person he'd never seen himself becoming. His mood and decisions were being dictated to him by another person. But the worst part was that Shuuhei never dictated. He just acted like Shuuhei and that was enough to get Kensei jumping through hoops on one foot. And the kid never did anything. He never commanded or bargained or issue ultimatums. He usually didn't even ask for anything. He was happy, the damn idiot, was just happy.
Kensei groaned again but he did so quietly enough not to wake his lover. Instead he just curled up even closer against him and whispered softly in his ear. "I do love you..." he kissed Shuuhei's cheek gently and brushed his hair back again. "You're so beautiful, you really are Shuuhei and I love you. I love you so much... I just wish I could say it to you when you could hear me. I'm sorry." He kissed him again and pulled his head onto his shoulder and buried his face in Shuuhei's dark hair. "I love you... so please... please don't leave me."